I Remember

I remember what it was like as a nine-(nearly ten) year-old trying to find my way. I remember feeling either exhilarated and excited about growing up, or nervous with increasing self doubt. I remember the despair of arriving at school to find that my best friend didn't want to hang out with me any more, and I remember the disappointment when I'd worked really hard on a project or test only to piqued at the post for an award by some other kid who I secretly thought of as a dumb bunny. I really remember always coming second. But I got over it...I really did. The thing is, nobody told me that when I had my own child I was going to be reliving all of those conflicting emotions again. And it is so much worse the second time around. When I see angst and disappointment in the eyes of the precious being I created, the one I've loved and nurtured for the last nine (nearly ten) years, I remember how I once felt. And it cuts me to the bone to know that I am powerless (just as my mother was) to take the pain away. Suddenly I am no longer able to protect my child from the nasty world.

Knowing that it will all be ok in the end doesn't make it any easier... and try telling that to a nearly ten-year-old. All I can do is say "Yeah Babe...I know... it sucks!" (because it does) and keep on encouraging and supporting and loving. I wonder which child I will be picking up from school this afternoon. Will I be greeted with jubilance or tears? Please, please, please let it be jubilance.